sadness

On Being Seasonally Appropriate

I am drinking more wine now because apparently that is the cure for a loss in the soul
or so my hands choose to believe

It is winter. Or, it feels like winter, to me. So I guess that makes sense even though it isn't if you just take my word for it.

I would be this cold already. I'm seasonally appropriate.

"When I allow the God within me to speak, it wants to talk with you" 
is not a simple text message to send
to anyone.


Quite the contrary. But it must be the most honest and real and heavy and deep and entirely devastating thing I have said in a while,
to anyone.
Devastating because I know we should not talk.
Not now.
Because growth and because not growth. And because you can't make someone ready for you, you can only stay ready and weather the storms as the not-so-ready pass you by...

Keep your chin up, maybe the next one will be less storm, more re-birth.

"soulmates are real... they show up when you do" - Curron Aspernaut Gajadhar.
I agree. Though if you show up and they don't, does that mean you're not soulmates?
Yes.

Okay, so if you show up and they show up and you stay and they just don't then...
yeah. that's called devastation

with a soul full of lead bullets you can't fire at anyone
and a heart half-full of air, what a pathetic balloon-dreaming-thing
being weighed down by the dead-weight of their gone.
How do you weather the storm of it's leaving?
Do you become storm too? Follow its path, hope you catch up, eye to eye
and destroy each other? 
Or find peace?
Do you conjure that infinite shake that rattled your bones, turned your marrow into waterfall
and kept you completely still all at the same time?

This was going to be so much more poignant before I sat down to write it. I swear.

But you can't make someone meet you at the bridge...


"Someone can be madly in love with you and still not be ready. They can love you in a way you have never been loved and still not join you on the bridge. And whatever their reasons you must leave. Because you never ever have to inspire anyone to meet you on the bridge. You never ever have to convince someone to do the work to be ready. There is more extraordinary love, more love that you have never seen, out here in this wide and wild universe. And there is the love that will be ready." — Nayyirah Waheed


And if I have nothing left to share, let that be it.

 

Year End Reflections on Love

Originally penned/published:  December 27, 2012

It changes.

And then it doesn’t.

 

What I mean is that it changes for some people and for others it just doesn’t. We can go through so much:  we grow, WE change as people and somehow, some people always still love us. And the same can be said in reverse: some people can change and grow and we always still love them, despite those changes.

Unconditional love is what I’m talking about. I guess. Maybe. I think.

 

Our labels make definitions difficult, I find.

 

So I’ve noticed I’ve been sad lately. Really down and not being excited about doing the things I love as much as usual. No, its not depression. I’ve had that. It’s just sadness. It could be the winter. The more I hear about seasonal affective disorder the more I wonder… I do love the presence of sunshine, and I do definitely miss the sun it in its absence.

 

But it could also be something else.

 

It’s not lack of love, generally. I know that’s right. I have lots of that and lots of people who love me. PLUS, I was heartbroken for a good year. I may still be… but I still had a pretty amazing time and 2012 was definitely dope.

 

But life will change you and love will change you, THAT is for sure.

 

So I have been wondering lately how we fall in love. If it’s really specific to the person, as in “finding THE ONE” so much as our good ole American Narrative will have us believe, or if it’s more a matter of timing (I think that’s a newly adopted American narrative popping up btw). I’ve been wondering lately how our current state, emotional conditions, everything that sums up our state of being at any given moment can pre-dispose us to falling in love.

 

“pre-dispose” – sounds like a vulnerable state before you contact some horrible disease… lol

 

But anyway

I fell in love last year.
HARD.

Harder than I’ve ever fallen in love before, honestly. It was bizarre. But it was amazing, that is for sure. The shitty part is the other person didn’t fall in love back with me sooooooo….. yeah. Hence the heartbreak mentioned above.

 

When the current narrative fails you, you find another or create your own.

 

But I’ve been reflecting on that since by now I’ve said it at least a few times that I think I’m finally over this person, I’ve been wondering how on earth that happened anyway. And what were the conditions in my state of being at the time that could’ve made me sort of ‘ripe-for-the-pickin’ to fall in love…

 

Here’s my snapshot:

I was struggling with a LOT of things:  I had recently quit grad school, was newly single and trying to re-identify myself, re-LEARN myself actually, and re-orienting myself to the world but still I had yet to re-claim the world, in my vision, as my own. To dream, believe, plan, fashion my future… all that good jazz.

 

So how does that make one vulnerable? Well, in a state of ‘newness’ to the world, if one encounters a person who just seems to have all the answers to all the questions that just make so much sense – I think that can be an easy beginning. This is a person you can BELIEVE in.

 

And then, y’know, some other just coincidentally wondrous things you lovelike, say perhaps, you’re a poet and they are too…. And they have this amazing way with words and just an absolutely incredible mind…

Yeah that helps.

 

And you’re physically attracted to them. Yep. That adds to the appeal for sure…

 

And then they are so KIND and appreciative, a peaceful soul with sunshine in their eyes… ohhh yes. Yes yes yes.

 

A doosey. For sure.

 

 

And ahhhhh the cloud of falling in love….

 

But all of this is dangerous and slippery – especially for people who are still re-defining themselves, or have yet to even begin to do so. You could wind up defining yourself in reference to the person you fall for.  Which is dangerous. For what if something happens to them? Or your relationship?

 

Your reality will crumble right with it. So I am in full belief that our own self-identity and our own worth need to exist outside of others, even those with whom we are in relationships.  We are too valuable for it to not.

 

Yes, ladies, I am primarily talking to you. As one of you. I know us well….

But men too. Your sex is not immune to this, I have also seen that happen, so be aware!

 

So I hope I explained that enough. I could write another post if need be if that is unclear.

I usually can’t tell until a significant time AFTER I finish writing something.

 

But yeah, love changes. And if we define ourselves by our relationship with another and then THAT changes, well then shit. What then??

Mental/emotional/psychological CRISIS!!

Yes.

 

Love changes and life will change us but we need to realize and know our own worth outside of that. And keep it in the most sacred place we can find. Any love worth having will help you grow that, right there, right where it exists. Right where you keep it.

In the sacred.

 

Recently I heard that when we really love someone – we never stop loving them after they leave us.

We just learn how to live with their absence.

 

I’d say I think that is very much true.

 

So am I still heartbroken? I don’t really know.

Why have I been so sad lately? I can’t really say for sure ….

 

But for now, I’m just gonna blame it on the winter, this absence of sunshine…