love

When Manifesting Your Soulmate Doesn’t Work Out…

I’m having a really sad day, friends. My heart is broken completely.
Two years ago I completed the workbook, Calling in the One: 7 Weeks to Attract the Love of Your Life. And y’know what? It worked.

I met my him at a holiday work event for the industry I work in. He came over to me and said my name so profoundly, like he meant it. I looked at him, leaned in to see his nametag and I said his in return. Then I looked up in his eye and felt like I got punched in the chest.
I walked away.
I didn’t know what that meant. What was that feeling in my heart?

My intuition is spot on, all the time. This was big. He was someone important for me, for sure.

After a brief chat with some people i knew, I got the courage to go back and start a conversation with him. I complimented his pants. He’s an impeccable dresser. We exchanged laughs and a whole lot of knowledge. And business cards.
A few days later I get an email from him, asking if I would like to get together and see what else we might be able to talk about other then the correct pronunciation of my hometown.
He is also very, very witty.

Shoot forward a couple of weeks and our first date was a blast! He picked me up at 7 for dinner and I think we stayed out 3am! We had great dinner, conversation, we ended up at a bar kissing to Prince. The staff talked to us like they thought we’d been together a long time.
We just fit.

Well, what was the happiest, most joyful, fulfilling, truly loving and caring relationship I had ever experienced changed shortly after he got a new job contract. And it was big. I was happy for him, truly. But time became scarce. Attention even less. Slowly our dream-like love began to dissipate.
I remember one day last June or July, looking forward to spending the day together and being shocked when all he wanted to do was watch his favorite TV show, that I’d never seen, and he didn’t care whether I wanted to watch it or not. Or even if I hung around to watch it with him.

Some folks say that people never change.
People change man. They do.

Though, I could also ask, “Was this a change in him? Or is this just also who is and how he occurs sometimes?” I think both could be true.

It didn’t take long for me to end our relationship the first time. He clearly just stopped doing all the things that love does.

“You’ve gotta learn to leave the table when love’s no longer being served” Nina Simone

get up love no longer being served.jpg

Today, one year later and after a years' worth of "still trying," I am still heartbroken. But I have learned so much. I don’t believe I ever ever loved anyone as hard, as enduringly, as deeply as him. And maybe I will again. Maybe I won’t.
But the thing about soulmates is that they are people too. You may meet yours and they may not want the same thing as you.

Funny, how it never occurred to me that I really could Call In the One
And he may not want to be with me. 
Not everyone wants their soulmate.

I still do. But I will still date and find love, regardless.
A love that doesn’t leave the table.

About an hour ago I went to a local cafe and bought a huge piece of German Chocolate Cake, which i wholly plan to demolish later this evening.
I shared with the young man behind the counter that I was heartbroken and said to me,

“I know your heart hurts. But there is one part of your heart that doesn’t hurt. Focus on that part.”

Oh, how I love West End, Atlanta.
I will friend, I most definitely will.

I Could Not Fall In Love Again If I Tried...

This is not a desperate statement or one that should bring about sympathy from anyone. I do not need "saving."

Listen:

I've fallen in love three times. I'm 33. What is the significance of the number 3? I have no clue, but if you know feel free to comment. 

The first time I fell in love, I was blind. Not due to injury or literal loss of sight. But I was blind to myself and blind to him. One cannot love another if they don't love themselves first, just as one cannot know another if they do not first know oneself. 
We got caught up in physical attraction and very late night debates on the back of a ship in the middle of the ocean. One night we slept outside under the stars, hands to ourselves, but with untrained hearts.

When I moved to Atlanta to be with him, he all of a sudden "didn't want anything serious." As if a move across the country isn't already a serious thing, but I digress. 
It is not healthy to start a relationship with an ultimatum. I know that now but 24 year old me was fed up. So I said, "I'm not going with you to this event if you're going to introduce me as your friend." And I was prepared to not go. He chose to take me and so i became his "girlfriend." Kind of a stressful way to proclaim "relationship" but we need to ask for what we want. And so I did.

Two years of good followed by two years of awful leaves a lot of wreckage in the heart. And the body. My chest, a harbor full of broken ships, planks, shapnel. Could not see the ocean floor through the remains of what we were trying to build. And so I left. In order to rebuild myself.

The second time I fell in love I was just ripe for sky flying souls meeting in the clouds to make love. We free wrote to each other. For months. Now if that won't do it to a poet, I dunno what will. But there was no editing, no deletions allowed, just full and open words. We wrote until we were finished and hit 'send.' Talk about cultivating intimacy! I now know to not do that with anyone who isn't committed to sticking around for whatever is to come. 

I learned the pain of falling in love with someone who wasn't in love with me. What a tragedy. A writhing ache, snaking its way through your body, til it makes you sick. And contemplative. Depressed and alone. Til it turns you into a yogi. 
This is what happens when you grow love and intimacy without legs. Or a ground. It is a cloud, just waiting to burst or become fog and rain away. 
Don't do this. I really wouldn't recommend it.

The third time I fell in love I was legs but no feet. No ground underneath me. Walking like that is wobbly. Carrying the dried out wood and straw, the old news chronicles of pain in your chest leaves you susceptible to fire. You can burn wildly like that. But that doesn't mean you should.

I fell without realizing the fall. My heart an upturned smile, the hopeful face of a child. His too. 
At least this time it was mutual, but it didn't last. We had both been burned before meeting each other, so we were both pretty easy to lift. This time at least it felt like ascendance but we showed up with no ground, so when we fell out:  there was nothing there. No front steps to rest our shoes on. No welcome mat. Not even a door. 

***

I think falling in love, in how we talk about it, in how we see it on TV and portrayed in the media is an accidental, decision-less thing. This is not the kind of beginning that anyone can expect to build on. And while occasionally we hear stories of those who did, who could, who were successful at that - they are rare, are they not? How many of us actually know a real story of two people we actually know who have been successful at that. Who's relationship survived?

Those stories belong mostly to our grandparents. Perhaps a few of our parents too, but not many. Our grandparent's generation was one with more patience, more time, less distraction. Having most likely not grown up with TV, or color TV for that matter, which proliferated in the 60's and 70's, they would have relied more upon learning about relationships and love through conversation. Or watching their family members and friends trials and tribulations. 

TV really does us an injustice with it's fantastical, romantic, whirlwind romance portrayals with little to no substance. These are not places we can build from. In this storyline we can fall - in love - we can feel like we're flying, we can let our hearts go but when they come back to us what do we have left? Reality? Which may or may not feel like love.

Love is a way. Not a thing out of reach that escapes us. We can cultivate love in our lives every day with the people around us. By being responsible friends, by practicing kindness, generosity, honesty, integrity and by practicing these things also with ourselves. We do not have to lack love just because we are not in love. We can build a solid ground beneath us. A foundation with which to rest on and walk and grow from. 

If we do this it becomes our source of life and from which we can grow. When we do this we will realize that falling makes no sense. It is a risk not worth taking. We have too much beneath us now to be so frivolous with our hearts. 

It is form this place that I write and from this place that falling makes no sense. 
I prefer to build.

 

 

 

 

15/30 - Small Cups

I will not regret this.

Your eyes twinge with worry every now and then
a hesitance, a distant
Reeling back like a dragon before it burns the entire village, I know
you won't stay.

and I won't burn.
Besides, the fire is in it's place, not your lungs.

 

Yours is the simplest house I've known, I
love that.
Few pots or pans, glassware, tiny
cups that are actually shot
glasses, but you call them 'small cups' and
I guess they are
So we sip from them, slow.
You, usually faster than me, but still slow
and we make poems about bicycles on the backs of steel plates
made in the USA.

I know you won't stay.
Have yet to delude myself and have zero plans
from here on out

Which is a freeing thing:  to know this isn't forever.
That we are not bound by the burden to build something here.
I won't get mad if you don't call every night, forget that I hate pepper,
or speak about your future like I'm not there.
I don't expect to be. Not much, at the very most...

I have spoken about futures
before
with men
as if they were in it. Believed
they'd be in it, felt that strong dream of love pull
my soul from my mouth so easy
like soft clouds over a lazy, blue sky
and y'know what?
They're not. 

If anything, this is the most honest place I have been.

I know it's not forever
But if we're honest, nothing is.

This morning a woman who invited herself on my porch to ring my bell and shake me out of bed
Asked if I ever thought about what Heaven would be like.
Typically, I think this is a foolish thought to spend any time with
because if there is one (and save for a few asshole moves here or there, I would be lucky enough to experience it)
Then I will know it when I arrive.
And if there isn't
my afterlife will be nonetheless without.

This might be the easiest place I've been since I lost my best friend.
Who is in Heaven, if there is one.

So I may see him down the line
but some other kind of Heaven still exists in the now
in the not asking questions, taking stock of what we've both brought
of who's doing the leaving and when
a kind of Heaven in the limbs of your body aligned with mine

And so if that's all the Heaven there is
Then I'm honestly pretty okay
with that.

11/30 - Hate Map

Georgia is burning in wildfires
Up north
All of my friends wear face masks outside
Have trouble breathing
Panic Attacks
Anxiety

And I woke up wanting to do yoga today and work on my breathing.
Funny, the ways your body responds to things
You’re not really aware of
 

Well today
I saw a hate map
Of the US.
Looked like an ice cream cone
covered in sprinkles on two opposite sides
Kinda shaped like a wishbone
Heavy at the ends
Thinned out across the shank
Fat right down in it’s bottom-middle
A bottom-heavy, broad wing-span hate map
Spread out
Like an eagle

Kinda makes you wonder
If the rise in hate is just burning up the earth
Spontaneous earth combustion from toxic human energy
Have we’ve burned our national bird out of it’s own habitat?
So its image just pressed across the face of a map like an emblem
Of hate.

Could people burn themselves out of their own habitat?

With enough money, I mean hate
Anything is possible.

On Being Seasonally Appropriate

I am drinking more wine now because apparently that is the cure for a loss in the soul
or so my hands choose to believe

It is winter. Or, it feels like winter, to me. So I guess that makes sense even though it isn't if you just take my word for it.

I would be this cold already. I'm seasonally appropriate.

"When I allow the God within me to speak, it wants to talk with you" 
is not a simple text message to send
to anyone.


Quite the contrary. But it must be the most honest and real and heavy and deep and entirely devastating thing I have said in a while,
to anyone.
Devastating because I know we should not talk.
Not now.
Because growth and because not growth. And because you can't make someone ready for you, you can only stay ready and weather the storms as the not-so-ready pass you by...

Keep your chin up, maybe the next one will be less storm, more re-birth.

"soulmates are real... they show up when you do" - Curron Aspernaut Gajadhar.
I agree. Though if you show up and they don't, does that mean you're not soulmates?
Yes.

Okay, so if you show up and they show up and you stay and they just don't then...
yeah. that's called devastation

with a soul full of lead bullets you can't fire at anyone
and a heart half-full of air, what a pathetic balloon-dreaming-thing
being weighed down by the dead-weight of their gone.
How do you weather the storm of it's leaving?
Do you become storm too? Follow its path, hope you catch up, eye to eye
and destroy each other? 
Or find peace?
Do you conjure that infinite shake that rattled your bones, turned your marrow into waterfall
and kept you completely still all at the same time?

This was going to be so much more poignant before I sat down to write it. I swear.

But you can't make someone meet you at the bridge...


"Someone can be madly in love with you and still not be ready. They can love you in a way you have never been loved and still not join you on the bridge. And whatever their reasons you must leave. Because you never ever have to inspire anyone to meet you on the bridge. You never ever have to convince someone to do the work to be ready. There is more extraordinary love, more love that you have never seen, out here in this wide and wild universe. And there is the love that will be ready." — Nayyirah Waheed


And if I have nothing left to share, let that be it.

 

Love-volution

Originally penned/pubished:  Jan 29, 2016

 

I’m so grateful to have so many different varieties of people in my life. I have a very varied friend-group, colleagues, acquaintances, people I know who live far and I don’t see but I love and connect with somehow…

Someone once made a comment that I had a very varied group of friends.

Then later said, “you are a combination of your 5 closest friends” – which I think is quite true.

But I think beyond your inner circle those you keep around you still say a bit about who you are, what you admire, who you can sometimes be, and maybe what you might grow into…

I’m writing this because I recently realized how much I really cherish effort. I have been, y’know, sorta-kinda-somewhat-maybe-not-entirely-but-almost-kinda-seeing-someone-and-maybe-it’ll-never-be-serious-but-I-think-we’re-both-learning-here… type thing.

And loving the learning process without any kind of pressure. This someone is very different for me. My friends have noted. And they’re right. The someone can sometimes be abrasive, brash, totally un-PC (not that I always am by any means tho…), blunt, crass… y’know, all the best things, lol

(I actually quite appreciate these qualities, even if all of my friends don’t, but anyway…)

This someone is certainly not perfect right. But is anyone?

One thing I noted to my friends the other night though was effort.

I find it funny that despite the critique that 1 or 2 of my friends have shared of the someone, that the someone has genuinely put in more effort into our non-relationship than my last ex ever did in almost 1 1/2 years. This is a someone who isn’t necessarily committed, right? A someone who is moving clear across the country like… in 2016 sometime. A someone who, who knows?!

But a someone with who we’re just enjoying each other, whenever. And learning too, along the way.

But man… effort man… Effort.

My last ex – many would say is probably one of the nicest men they have ever met. And he is. Genuinely kind and good hearted. Wouldn’t hurt a fly unless it was a zombie-fly trying to eat the brains of one of his loved ones…. you know…

But kindness can only take you so far. I know this. I often say, “there’s never anything wrong with being

nice'” – a phrase my Dad once told me years ago, that I’ve kept because, well, he’s right. Even if you don’t agree with someone, you can still be nice.

But relationships require more than ‘nice.’

And I think I’m learning how much ‘nice’ matters. And how much compared to other things.

I think I pick hard work and effort any day over ‘nice.’

(I’m from Massachusetts. We’re not always nice. But we do work our a**es off.)

So, I’m grateful for effort. For work. The hard work. The not-sexy kind of work that people do every day to accept others, to learn others, to become better versions of themselves and to try and understand folks who might not be just like them.

I’m grateful to myself and my open mind, that I’m willing to give aa chance to someone who wouldn’t seem like someone I’d normally date or ‘not-date-but-chill’ or whatever…

There are so many different forms of value. So many ways that can be valued by all of us. If we are willing to see…

I’m grateful I can see that.

Here’s to not keeping love out, for all the yielding that would take…

To practicing love and increasing joy, wherever you can find it.

And to finding it nearly everywhere.

Practicing the Responsibility of Freedom…

Originally penned/published:  Jan 2, 2016

So far in this new year I’ve been thinking a lot on freedom. The concept of freedom, what that means to me and what it looks like, how freedom acts within my body… whether or not that action is always good…

I’ve also been thinking on the consequences of feeling a lack of freedom in certain areas of my life as well as wondering if it’s possible to have too much freedom…. or what having more freedom might mean in regard to freedom’s opposite… whatever that is…

Lol, anyway here we go! I’ve got a lot of quotes and messages and images on my phone about freedom. When my phone starts up there is a message that I programmed in there that says, “Practice Your Freedom” – a phrase I saw a friend write on Facebook some time ago that really resonated with me. But I think I am wondering and needing to better learn how, and how to do that well.

My favorite quote on love is, “You should love in such a way that the person you love feels free” by Thich Nhat Hanh. I find freedom and comfort in the company of my friends and family with whom I can be fully and completely myself. I think that, essentially, is the essence of true freedom for me: To be able to be completely, 100% authentically myself without fear of negative repercussions.

I think I pretty much have that in my personal life. Professionally, I think, is where I would like to have more of that. Since my work has taken a bit of a larger role in my life now to date, I feel like I am sacrificing more by being “on” more often and in a more significant way.

And, yes, I do think it’s worth it for all of the good that I am able to do in my work. But I also feel like after a few years of it, I’m going to seriously need more freedom. More time just being myself, without having to impress or convince or fundraise or… I think I could end up burnt out.

I also came across this quote this morning on Pinterest:

And I think that’s the rub. Y’know, my soul is not a hologram of my resume + cover letter, it doesn’t wear blazers and heels, it isn’t always proper and it’s language ain’t always PG.

I like the freedom to be fully expressive. And I feel a bit cornered at times by not always being able to be that way.

Eventually, I think I am working toward self employment. This is an interesting discovery period, however, in finding out what that will look like, what I will incorporate, what kinds of activities really feed my soul and help me feel most free and most empowered.

But at present, without having all of that knowledge yet, I am currently reflecting on the below:

It takes great bravery to exercise great freedom. And a LOT of self knowledge to do it well and masterfully. And in a healthy way. I know there are ways I’ve been poisoning myself: Drinking too much, Not eating very well a little too frequently…

And other ways of just not living up to my full potential. So for now, I’m going to explore that.

You can find me where I’ll be finding more of myself:

Practicing freedom and practicing love.

Post #457 On How “Love” is Stupid

Originally penned/published:  Dec 27, 2015

 

I just think that love is so, so stupid. I’m not talking about the companionate kind of love that you have for your family and friends. Nor the passionate love…. I mean, that sh*ts fun as hell… c’mon…

What I mean is that foolish kind where we confuse passion and kindness and momentary joy to somehow mean that we ought to be with this new, fancy person for the long run…

That early feeling of newness. The excitement. The butterflies. That fantastical feeling where your head is completely in the clouds… The kind that grows little wings on your heart that whisper “forever” to a brain that has clearly fallen asleep…

Yeah that. That chemical thing. That thing no one really understands.

THAT is stupid.

Keep your effin head out of the clouds.

That’s not where your future resides.

I have been dwelling on love and the various manifestations of what people call “love” around us… and it looks weird to me. Even some of the “loves” I’ve professed in the past look weird to me now with my 20/20 hindsight.

So I began contemplating more the love I have for my friends. My dearest ones. Particularly my best friend. I have an amazing best-friendship. And every now and then I think, “maaann… If I could find a dude that I relate to like I relate to HER! Boom! Done!” lol

But if we are honest we know that our friendship has been a long one. It hasn’t spawned overnight into unicorns sh*tting glitter all over everything. It’s been 7 years and counting and I’d say only in the last 2 or 3 have we both really, fully embraced each other in our full and complete selves. Only since then have we really full gotten to know each other completely inside and out. Like, I know what my girl is gonna do in pretty much any given situation and she knows me!

Shoot, sometimes she knows me better than I know myself!

We understand each other fully. And we give each other the grace and the time and the space and the distance in order to do so.

So if true love is really born from understanding then my only interest is to understand and get better at understanding as I grow…

So… In the interest of transparency and in situating myself for my readers:

I’ve been spending time with someone. Which has been kind of amazing. Fun. TONS of fun! That has been my favorite part. I love laughing. And I could really use an extra dose of fun in my life lately, so the timing has been perfect.

But because, y’know, it’s still pretty recent, there’s not a label or any expectations or anything. I honestly feel like it’s the best place for me to be right now. It’s open. I’ve never really been in “open” before…. not really. Relationship-wise, I’ve only ever done 1 of 2 extremes:

1. Serious relationship

2. No strings sex.

I’ve never been in this in between space before. It’s cool! I’m liking it. One thing I really do like is:

It feels like it requires a bit more intentionality from me. Like, I can’t expect this person to stick around, to be here tomorrow or next week (by ‘here’ I mean, with me and wanting to spend time with me). It exists outside of the realm of what often feels to me like a “safe relationship” where you’re committed to each other and you expect each other to be there… I feel like that has the potential to get lazy.

In this role, I almost feel like I have to work a little harder. It’s a little less “safe.” Nothing’s given, there are no guarantees. There’s no commitment. You just gotta roll with it, enjoy it and try to be good.

So I’m practicing being good to someone.

I’m not totally sure how well I’m doing. I’m new at this. But I think I’m doing alright. I am trying. And I think that’s apparent.

And who knows where anything will go. I feel like I’m wandering through the woods, unsure of what’s ahead. And every now and then someone comes along to hang out a bit. And then they leave. And that’s cool! I think this pretty much my favorite place to be.

Like a kid again. Just open and just loving. Practicing kindness and joy and giving and learning.

I’m just trying to learn how to better understand.

So maybe I’m just now learning how to love.

Regardless, I think this is the best place to be.

It's Not That Difficult, You're Just Doing It Wrong

Originally penned/published:  April 29, 2013

It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.
Friedrich Nietzsche

I’ll begin with a bit of dialogue between myself and a colleague on Friday:

“Marriage is difficult.”

I nod my head, “So I hear.”

“No, it’s really, REALLY DIFFICULT.”

Nod head some more, “Okay.”

I have never been married. Fair enough. But I have a very close example in my life of two people who are married and who are gloriously happy. Granted, it’s not perfect. Nothing ever is. It is not a dream-sequence. But its good, damnit. REALLY good. And I’m sure it took work. Still TAKES work. But growing takes work. And I definitely know all about that.

My concern here was the tone in his voice and the persistence in his speech. Yeah, I get it. Marriage is hard. So I’ve heard. Yep. But we all know that. You knew that going in! Anyway, he proceeds to tell me about his schedule. How he used to travel twice a month and since he’s been married (which, I believe is somewhere between 9-12 months) he’s only been away twice. I, personally, think that’s striking and I wonder why he hasn’t been away more.

He continues with, “It takes compromise. Sacrifice”

I nod. I know this.

But he says these like they’re REALLY SERIOUS things. Like… like maybe he’s compromising or sacrificing too much. Perhaps he is? I think about the travel. Sure, I imagine when one marries they may need to make changes. You lose a little bit of the freedom you once had. And especially when there’s a child involved. But, generally speaking, I think as individuals we ought to watch HOW MUCH we compromise and what things. There are some things you must maintain for your sanity. Emotional health. For your overall well-being. Those things, I would argue, are not really compromise-able. A healthy and happy Joe Black, single, is better than an unstable, overworked, exhausted, and stressed-beyond-belief Joe Black, married.

I would also argue that we’ve gotta watch out for our people. Our friends, family, and most definitely lovers or partners, to ensure that they’re still healthy post-whatever life changes they’ve made. Sometimes we don’t realize we’re unhappy until we’re already there. But as friends, family members, and yes, even as someone’s lover or partner, we can realize when they’re not happy. And we have to have the confidence and the trust and the better judgement, and damnit, the maturity to share our observations. And then the willingness to RE-compromise, renegotiate really, if things aren’t working well for both parties. And be okay with it. Use it as a growth opportunity.

Growing is good. It hurts. But it’s good.

You cannot compromise the things you love. They must be incorporated.

 

And sooooooo you all know how I feel about dating. I think it’s f*cking stupid. At least the typical American style of dating.

It’s dumb. Really. No, no really. It’s really, really dumb.

lol

And here’s why. It’s because it has “roles.” And people actually subscribe to that and then become them, own them… I mean, are we in a play now? Is this a movie? You = doorholder/payer (sometimes) and your role is to impress me. Be kind, seem strong, give the impression that you’re financially stable or perhaps “well-off” if you so feel. You should be reasonable and even tempered…

And then here’s me: I’m sweet. Docile. I wear a dress. I let you open doors. I am agreeable, supportive, pretty….

Ugh.

Have you ever heard of anything SO BORING????

Are we supposed to just pretend like we’d be the perfect wife or husband??? Give me a break. No wonder why there’s this “honeymoon period” in so many American relationships. BECAUSE EVERYONE’S PRETENDING!!!

F*ck that.

So why am I bringing this up again?

So I recently started “seeing someone” – you could say – orrrrr however you wanna say that. It’s new, there is no title, but we shared that we’re not seeing anyone else… and so yeah. And I kinda don’t want to see anyone else. At least not at this time.

So anyway… so yesterday a friend texted me to see if I wanted to go to brunch. Or, at least I thought he was a friend. I replied that I would love to (I love going to brunch btw) but I was cooking brunch for someone already. Then I followed with the whole I’m-seeing-someone-now-so-any-future-outings-must-be-strictly-platonic…. And honestly… I liked this person. And previous outings hadn’t really been overly non-platonic. I think we kissed once. When we were drunk. Lol. But I was hoping for a strictly platonic future outing. I value this person. And I have many male friends. The male-female friend thing is not impossible at all to me, it’s quite a good reality actually. Most women make me crazy. But anyway, I was surprised to receive a message back saying, “My bad. I won’t bother you anymore.”

Jesus.

Really?

  1. You’re not a bother. If you were, I would’ve told you long ago to leave me alone, but more importantly

  2. You really have no interest in being my friend. Geez…. Wow. Thanks. (<— note the sarcasm)

So here’s my sadness to all this. When meeting people, as a single woman, I honestly approach everyone as a potential friend. (if I find out they’re legitimately crazy or just do awful, awful things… Then no. We won’t be friends.) But I approach everyone with the concept of finding out what they’re about: their visions/dreams, their goals, values, their work, integrity, their peace…. I’m always curious to learn something from someone. And so…. Man… I guess I become sad when I find out later that they did not have the same approach as I. They weren’t genuinely interested in knowing me.

I guess, though, there’s really not much of a reason to be sad, there’s just a reason to grow:  know that not everyone is or even wants to be your friend. And that the people who really want to be in your life, and the people who belong there, will be present and will stay. Everyone else…..??? They’re probably not the best for you. Have faith in that.

Okay, maybe it’s not typical American dating that I’m so frustrated with but perhaps the typical American…

So in reflection on my colleague – this morning I was thinking about his comments and his conclusion:  he whisked off to Costa Rica for 4 days, against the wishes of his wife, to rest, recuperate, rejuvenate… I also wondered why she didn’t want him to go. The man is visibly exhausted. Shoot, I wanted him to go. It’s clear he needed to get away.

And while eating breakfast this morning and listening to my best friend/roommate’s phone conversation with a supervisor, and her subsequent complaints after…. Which were a little irritating to me first thing in the morning but I listened… I thought, “maybe it’s not so difficult at all…. Maybe you’re just doing it wrong.”

I finished my coffee, breathed the irritability out and re-found my peace.

So in reflection:

Breath in.

(finish your coffee)

Breath out.

Re-find your peace.

And keep friendship first.

Be good, good people.

<3

Your Seashell Sound

Originally penned/published:  February 1, 2013

My stepmother loves the sound of my father’s voice. “It’s soothing” she says.

For a while I wondered if it had become soothing to her over time, or if it just was outright from the beginning. I never asked her. But I’ve thought lots about this as, in my singledom, I’ve spoken with a few men whose voices I would say the same about. I could listen to them aaallllll daaayyyyyy… like, “just tell me stories please. I’ll just lay here on the couch and listen to you.” 

:)  Like that.

 

I’ve also noticed myself talking to a few, in a very calm but very, very assured and confident manner – a way I take note of. A way that I talk with my Dad when we have our conversations about life, philosophy, society… whatever we tend to go in on at the time. Sometimes I speak SOOO ELOQUENTLY when I’m talking to him. It made me wonder, like, “why the F??” Why does that only happen with him and so very few others? I think in some ways it’s the topic, but I also think it’s something else too…

 

But anyways, I’ve thought a lot about the ole adage that women look for their fathers when the look for a partner. And, my Dad is like, remarkable. Pretty, ridiculously, life-altering-ly remarkable. Soooo I’m kinda screwed there… jk. But I do think it’ll take a while. Perhaps. We shall see… 

But anyways, there’s this poem that I LOVE, called, or referred to as “Last Love” by Rachel McKibbens (youtube that. It’s incredible!) in which she says, “look for your father. And not the one you can point to on a map but that one that is here” and she points to her heart/chest.  

To me – that’s a place where sound reverberates. And feeling.

I’ve been paying a lot of attention to that space lately.

A LOT.

To know it better.  And to learn what each sensation means. It’s been a good but difficult process, but I know it’s working. :)

And so I pay attention to that place when I listen to people, or just when I’m around them. Sometimes it shivers, sometimes it trembles, but sometimes, every once in while, it will lie still or feel so full I think I might burst with joy. Sometimes it just smiles too.

There are some people I LOVE to listen to. And there are some whom make me nervous or uncomfortable. And I do believe that some of it is because of their sound, and also their rhythm.  And sure, the things they say most definitely matter too, but my goal is to point out the importance of sound and rhythm.

 

So I’ve been reading a wide variety of things since I left grad school. I read like 10-12 books at once, it takes me forever to finish one usually but I just like variety in that realm. One of the things I stumbled upon in the last year was an article on NPR about children’s tantrum’s – their patterns and rhythms:

http://www.npr.org/blogs/health/2011/12/05/143062378/whats-behind-a-temper-tantrum-scientists-deconstruct-the-screams

“scientists found that different toddler sounds – or “vocalizations” – emerge and fade in a definite rhythm in the course of a tantrum. “

Hmmmmm…..

“tantrums are no different than thunderstorms or other natural phenomena.”

Fascinating!!

 

So what am I getting at???

Welp, if the inside of you sounds like thunder, then it will comes out in the way you speak.

And if you try to mask or strangle it – we will know, for some of us are attuned to the maskings and stranglings…

 

And if your inside is easy and calm like a river – we will hear that too…

 

We hear you.

 

In all you sounds and rhythms, intentions and emotions,

 

We hear you.

 

Be good.

 

And be loved.

 

<3

Year End Reflections on Love

Originally penned/published:  December 27, 2012

It changes.

And then it doesn’t.

 

What I mean is that it changes for some people and for others it just doesn’t. We can go through so much:  we grow, WE change as people and somehow, some people always still love us. And the same can be said in reverse: some people can change and grow and we always still love them, despite those changes.

Unconditional love is what I’m talking about. I guess. Maybe. I think.

 

Our labels make definitions difficult, I find.

 

So I’ve noticed I’ve been sad lately. Really down and not being excited about doing the things I love as much as usual. No, its not depression. I’ve had that. It’s just sadness. It could be the winter. The more I hear about seasonal affective disorder the more I wonder… I do love the presence of sunshine, and I do definitely miss the sun it in its absence.

 

But it could also be something else.

 

It’s not lack of love, generally. I know that’s right. I have lots of that and lots of people who love me. PLUS, I was heartbroken for a good year. I may still be… but I still had a pretty amazing time and 2012 was definitely dope.

 

But life will change you and love will change you, THAT is for sure.

 

So I have been wondering lately how we fall in love. If it’s really specific to the person, as in “finding THE ONE” so much as our good ole American Narrative will have us believe, or if it’s more a matter of timing (I think that’s a newly adopted American narrative popping up btw). I’ve been wondering lately how our current state, emotional conditions, everything that sums up our state of being at any given moment can pre-dispose us to falling in love.

 

“pre-dispose” – sounds like a vulnerable state before you contact some horrible disease… lol

 

But anyway

I fell in love last year.
HARD.

Harder than I’ve ever fallen in love before, honestly. It was bizarre. But it was amazing, that is for sure. The shitty part is the other person didn’t fall in love back with me sooooooo….. yeah. Hence the heartbreak mentioned above.

 

When the current narrative fails you, you find another or create your own.

 

But I’ve been reflecting on that since by now I’ve said it at least a few times that I think I’m finally over this person, I’ve been wondering how on earth that happened anyway. And what were the conditions in my state of being at the time that could’ve made me sort of ‘ripe-for-the-pickin’ to fall in love…

 

Here’s my snapshot:

I was struggling with a LOT of things:  I had recently quit grad school, was newly single and trying to re-identify myself, re-LEARN myself actually, and re-orienting myself to the world but still I had yet to re-claim the world, in my vision, as my own. To dream, believe, plan, fashion my future… all that good jazz.

 

So how does that make one vulnerable? Well, in a state of ‘newness’ to the world, if one encounters a person who just seems to have all the answers to all the questions that just make so much sense – I think that can be an easy beginning. This is a person you can BELIEVE in.

 

And then, y’know, some other just coincidentally wondrous things you lovelike, say perhaps, you’re a poet and they are too…. And they have this amazing way with words and just an absolutely incredible mind…

Yeah that helps.

 

And you’re physically attracted to them. Yep. That adds to the appeal for sure…

 

And then they are so KIND and appreciative, a peaceful soul with sunshine in their eyes… ohhh yes. Yes yes yes.

 

A doosey. For sure.

 

 

And ahhhhh the cloud of falling in love….

 

But all of this is dangerous and slippery – especially for people who are still re-defining themselves, or have yet to even begin to do so. You could wind up defining yourself in reference to the person you fall for.  Which is dangerous. For what if something happens to them? Or your relationship?

 

Your reality will crumble right with it. So I am in full belief that our own self-identity and our own worth need to exist outside of others, even those with whom we are in relationships.  We are too valuable for it to not.

 

Yes, ladies, I am primarily talking to you. As one of you. I know us well….

But men too. Your sex is not immune to this, I have also seen that happen, so be aware!

 

So I hope I explained that enough. I could write another post if need be if that is unclear.

I usually can’t tell until a significant time AFTER I finish writing something.

 

But yeah, love changes. And if we define ourselves by our relationship with another and then THAT changes, well then shit. What then??

Mental/emotional/psychological CRISIS!!

Yes.

 

Love changes and life will change us but we need to realize and know our own worth outside of that. And keep it in the most sacred place we can find. Any love worth having will help you grow that, right there, right where it exists. Right where you keep it.

In the sacred.

 

Recently I heard that when we really love someone – we never stop loving them after they leave us.

We just learn how to live with their absence.

 

I’d say I think that is very much true.

 

So am I still heartbroken? I don’t really know.

Why have I been so sad lately? I can’t really say for sure ….

 

But for now, I’m just gonna blame it on the winter, this absence of sunshine…

Love and Move. Amor y Mover.

Originally penned/published:  Sept 17, 2011

“Love” and “move.” Not too far apart. Only 1 letter. En Espanol, amor y mover are a bit further away from each other, in their lettering. I wonder if it may be because in Latin American history if people loved, they didn’t move. Or leave. The word for leave en Espanol is ‘salir.’ Even further from amor.

However, nowadays people from Latin America leave in REALLY BIG ways. Many come to the U.S. for opportunity or money, often both. Sometimes I wonder why. I have heard many answers and I know that in many places there are not many jobs. But it has not always been this way. Only in recent history. It makes me wonder what people did for work 50+ years ago that they didn’t move to the U.S. in such great numbers. Or, maybe I’m asking the wrong question. Maybe it’s what people did for love.

I really don’t have any answers to any of this. This is just wondering. Wandering with the mind.

But why are “love,” leave,” and “move” so much closer in the English language. The history of the U.S. is one I am much more familiar with than that of Latin America. But I am not really very familiar with it because I never learned U.S. history very well. I always found it very boring and never really had a history teacher that engaged me well as a student. That material is fascinating but the delivery, via book and mouth, have often been very dry to me, unfortunately. Even now, I have a World History book that I want to read because I want the information but it’s written so bland that I can barely bring myself to get through more than a few pages.

This, in my opinion, is a travesty.

Thoughts? On any of this? Or anything really? These are just my musings, these things, words, they’re just my muses. But you also are too. :)