falling in love

I Could Not Fall In Love Again If I Tried...

This is not a desperate statement or one that should bring about sympathy from anyone. I do not need "saving."


I've fallen in love three times. I'm 33. What is the significance of the number 3? I have no clue, but if you know feel free to comment. 

The first time I fell in love, I was blind. Not due to injury or literal loss of sight. But I was blind to myself and blind to him. One cannot love another if they don't love themselves first, just as one cannot know another if they do not first know oneself. 
We got caught up in physical attraction and very late night debates on the back of a ship in the middle of the ocean. One night we slept outside under the stars, hands to ourselves, but with untrained hearts.

When I moved to Atlanta to be with him, he all of a sudden "didn't want anything serious." As if a move across the country isn't already a serious thing, but I digress. 
It is not healthy to start a relationship with an ultimatum. I know that now but 24 year old me was fed up. So I said, "I'm not going with you to this event if you're going to introduce me as your friend." And I was prepared to not go. He chose to take me and so i became his "girlfriend." Kind of a stressful way to proclaim "relationship" but we need to ask for what we want. And so I did.

Two years of good followed by two years of awful leaves a lot of wreckage in the heart. And the body. My chest, a harbor full of broken ships, planks, shapnel. Could not see the ocean floor through the remains of what we were trying to build. And so I left. In order to rebuild myself.

The second time I fell in love I was just ripe for sky flying souls meeting in the clouds to make love. We free wrote to each other. For months. Now if that won't do it to a poet, I dunno what will. But there was no editing, no deletions allowed, just full and open words. We wrote until we were finished and hit 'send.' Talk about cultivating intimacy! I now know to not do that with anyone who isn't committed to sticking around for whatever is to come. 

I learned the pain of falling in love with someone who wasn't in love with me. What a tragedy. A writhing ache, snaking its way through your body, til it makes you sick. And contemplative. Depressed and alone. Til it turns you into a yogi. 
This is what happens when you grow love and intimacy without legs. Or a ground. It is a cloud, just waiting to burst or become fog and rain away. 
Don't do this. I really wouldn't recommend it.

The third time I fell in love I was legs but no feet. No ground underneath me. Walking like that is wobbly. Carrying the dried out wood and straw, the old news chronicles of pain in your chest leaves you susceptible to fire. You can burn wildly like that. But that doesn't mean you should.

I fell without realizing the fall. My heart an upturned smile, the hopeful face of a child. His too. 
At least this time it was mutual, but it didn't last. We had both been burned before meeting each other, so we were both pretty easy to lift. This time at least it felt like ascendance but we showed up with no ground, so when we fell out:  there was nothing there. No front steps to rest our shoes on. No welcome mat. Not even a door. 


I think falling in love, in how we talk about it, in how we see it on TV and portrayed in the media is an accidental, decision-less thing. This is not the kind of beginning that anyone can expect to build on. And while occasionally we hear stories of those who did, who could, who were successful at that - they are rare, are they not? How many of us actually know a real story of two people we actually know who have been successful at that. Who's relationship survived?

Those stories belong mostly to our grandparents. Perhaps a few of our parents too, but not many. Our grandparent's generation was one with more patience, more time, less distraction. Having most likely not grown up with TV, or color TV for that matter, which proliferated in the 60's and 70's, they would have relied more upon learning about relationships and love through conversation. Or watching their family members and friends trials and tribulations. 

TV really does us an injustice with it's fantastical, romantic, whirlwind romance portrayals with little to no substance. These are not places we can build from. In this storyline we can fall - in love - we can feel like we're flying, we can let our hearts go but when they come back to us what do we have left? Reality? Which may or may not feel like love.

Love is a way. Not a thing out of reach that escapes us. We can cultivate love in our lives every day with the people around us. By being responsible friends, by practicing kindness, generosity, honesty, integrity and by practicing these things also with ourselves. We do not have to lack love just because we are not in love. We can build a solid ground beneath us. A foundation with which to rest on and walk and grow from. 

If we do this it becomes our source of life and from which we can grow. When we do this we will realize that falling makes no sense. It is a risk not worth taking. We have too much beneath us now to be so frivolous with our hearts. 

It is form this place that I write and from this place that falling makes no sense. 
I prefer to build.





Women Weren’t Made for Pedestals and Men Should Stop Building Them

Originally penned/published:  Jan 26

This dating thing is obnoxious, so I just keep leaving.

A male friend asked me the other day, “So why do all these men keep idolizing you?”

I got frustrated and replied, “I HAVE NO IDEA!!!”

And its largely true.

I don’t get it, and I don’t really have to I suppose, I just don’t like it. It’s ridiculous. It’s not real.

It makes me wonder what their intentions are in dating. Are there people out there just looking to idolize?

While that may not be a conscious intention, I think too many folks don’t take dating and relationship building seriously.

You cannot get to know someone if you create as fantasy version of them in your head.

And that sh*ts obnoxious.

Recently I’ve tried catching a few of them in the middle of their daydreaming of me (I can see it!) and halt them to tell them that this happens a lot and warn them to stop.

It’s yet to work.

People do what they will.

So I just keep leaving.

I need stronger men.

But if I’m being honest, I have been there myself. Idolizing a man. Removing any sense of individuality, peculiarity, anything disagreeable from him with my magic idolatry stick… And y’know what, that sh*t doesn’t last. It feels good in the beginning, right? You’re all caught up and swept away by the sheer glory of this uber-human-unicorn-person, I mean it feels GOOD to idolize someone.

And y’know what else: It’s easy.

Whether it’s born out of the desire for easy or it just happens as a result of not paying attention, being ripe for a daydream and getting swept away.

It’s still easy yo.

And ‘easy’ makes me sick.

Not that I’m looking for hard just…. genuine.

I wonder if maybe at various times in our lives we are ripe for idolizing or ripe for being idolized… And do we have a degree of control over either one?

Are there things I could do or halt to avoid being idolized?

I don’t know.

But I’m not sure I’m open to all that. I love myself, I enjoy myself, I have fun. I’m not going to stop that.

I will keep thinking on this but… if you’ve got suggestion, I’m listening, on how to keep a person from idolizing you?

Cuz this sh*ts annoying dude.

I’m just gonna keep leaving…

Year End Reflections on Love

Originally penned/published:  December 27, 2012

It changes.

And then it doesn’t.


What I mean is that it changes for some people and for others it just doesn’t. We can go through so much:  we grow, WE change as people and somehow, some people always still love us. And the same can be said in reverse: some people can change and grow and we always still love them, despite those changes.

Unconditional love is what I’m talking about. I guess. Maybe. I think.


Our labels make definitions difficult, I find.


So I’ve noticed I’ve been sad lately. Really down and not being excited about doing the things I love as much as usual. No, its not depression. I’ve had that. It’s just sadness. It could be the winter. The more I hear about seasonal affective disorder the more I wonder… I do love the presence of sunshine, and I do definitely miss the sun it in its absence.


But it could also be something else.


It’s not lack of love, generally. I know that’s right. I have lots of that and lots of people who love me. PLUS, I was heartbroken for a good year. I may still be… but I still had a pretty amazing time and 2012 was definitely dope.


But life will change you and love will change you, THAT is for sure.


So I have been wondering lately how we fall in love. If it’s really specific to the person, as in “finding THE ONE” so much as our good ole American Narrative will have us believe, or if it’s more a matter of timing (I think that’s a newly adopted American narrative popping up btw). I’ve been wondering lately how our current state, emotional conditions, everything that sums up our state of being at any given moment can pre-dispose us to falling in love.


“pre-dispose” – sounds like a vulnerable state before you contact some horrible disease… lol


But anyway

I fell in love last year.

Harder than I’ve ever fallen in love before, honestly. It was bizarre. But it was amazing, that is for sure. The shitty part is the other person didn’t fall in love back with me sooooooo….. yeah. Hence the heartbreak mentioned above.


When the current narrative fails you, you find another or create your own.


But I’ve been reflecting on that since by now I’ve said it at least a few times that I think I’m finally over this person, I’ve been wondering how on earth that happened anyway. And what were the conditions in my state of being at the time that could’ve made me sort of ‘ripe-for-the-pickin’ to fall in love…


Here’s my snapshot:

I was struggling with a LOT of things:  I had recently quit grad school, was newly single and trying to re-identify myself, re-LEARN myself actually, and re-orienting myself to the world but still I had yet to re-claim the world, in my vision, as my own. To dream, believe, plan, fashion my future… all that good jazz.


So how does that make one vulnerable? Well, in a state of ‘newness’ to the world, if one encounters a person who just seems to have all the answers to all the questions that just make so much sense – I think that can be an easy beginning. This is a person you can BELIEVE in.


And then, y’know, some other just coincidentally wondrous things you lovelike, say perhaps, you’re a poet and they are too…. And they have this amazing way with words and just an absolutely incredible mind…

Yeah that helps.


And you’re physically attracted to them. Yep. That adds to the appeal for sure…


And then they are so KIND and appreciative, a peaceful soul with sunshine in their eyes… ohhh yes. Yes yes yes.


A doosey. For sure.



And ahhhhh the cloud of falling in love….


But all of this is dangerous and slippery – especially for people who are still re-defining themselves, or have yet to even begin to do so. You could wind up defining yourself in reference to the person you fall for.  Which is dangerous. For what if something happens to them? Or your relationship?


Your reality will crumble right with it. So I am in full belief that our own self-identity and our own worth need to exist outside of others, even those with whom we are in relationships.  We are too valuable for it to not.


Yes, ladies, I am primarily talking to you. As one of you. I know us well….

But men too. Your sex is not immune to this, I have also seen that happen, so be aware!


So I hope I explained that enough. I could write another post if need be if that is unclear.

I usually can’t tell until a significant time AFTER I finish writing something.


But yeah, love changes. And if we define ourselves by our relationship with another and then THAT changes, well then shit. What then??

Mental/emotional/psychological CRISIS!!



Love changes and life will change us but we need to realize and know our own worth outside of that. And keep it in the most sacred place we can find. Any love worth having will help you grow that, right there, right where it exists. Right where you keep it.

In the sacred.


Recently I heard that when we really love someone – we never stop loving them after they leave us.

We just learn how to live with their absence.


I’d say I think that is very much true.


So am I still heartbroken? I don’t really know.

Why have I been so sad lately? I can’t really say for sure ….


But for now, I’m just gonna blame it on the winter, this absence of sunshine…