dating is stupid

16/30 - I Don't Wanna Date Your Best Friend

I always find it interesting which doors open and which doors close

doors close for me that folks seem to be surprised by

I am told I am a likable person. Nearly everyone
Who meets me feels they've met me before.
Somewhere between that place
And their own sense of self
They decide: I am like them.

Suggest I should do things
like them, should like
the things they do,
That I should date their best friend.

This sentiment can be full of flattery but
The target is usually way off.

I never like their friend.
The food sucks
And their life is boring. 
I won't do those things.

Today a door closed
that a friend had tried to convince me was open for me
for months.
And I am not mad,
I am resolute.

Resolute to know mine
will not be a traditional path,
I was never bred for that.

A little too creative for the safe
Too polished at times for the radical

My place will be where I open all the doors,
carve my own way out of wood.

It will be where I am
always.

Mine is the way
for me
My light is strong enough to illuminate my path

Best stay busy with the work
become both carpenter and cook
woodswoman and shrine
hunter and healer
all facets of the divine

And no, I don't wanna date your best friend. 

<3

13/30 - Dudes are Dumb (a short story)

I come home from work, get out of my car and go to check my mail and as I'm walking my neighbor's dumba** friend says, "You know I'm too old to be having a crush" - which I barely hear because it doesn't totally resonate that he might be talkin to me.
I arrive at said mailbox, take out my mail, see it's all wack sh*t and dude repeats, this time louder and walking my way, 
"You know I'm too old to be havin a crush now!" 
("pfffttt!!" I think) And I mumble, "oh," kinda wit an attitude cuz like, who the F cares...
but fr fr my dude. Y'know, YOU PROLLY RIGHT! You probably ARE too old to be havin a crush. So what now? Am I now supposed to be interested in you after your confession of clear and obvious immaturity? Am I supposed to feel bad for you like, "ohhhh, you got a crush on me" which happened in all of like: 15 seconds. Am I supposed to then proceed to massage your weak AF male ego? Cuz I guess the heteronormative patriarchy might dictate that I, a young and highly capable woman, must have so much compassion for your weakness and your vulnerability that I immediately run up to you and rub your back to make you feel better cuz you got a crush. Poor you.
Maaaannnnnn.... Miss me wit ALL THAT.
I'm just tryna get the mail ova here.

How I'm Not Actually Hating Dating Right Now

Dating sucks in the U.S. I'm sure it sucks elsewhere too but I have no experience with that. 
I've written 1000 times about how much I hate it so no need to continue the long list of reasons here and recreate the diatribe
(you can scroll through previous posts or click the tag-thingy on "dating is stupid" if you really wanna see, yeah? Word.)

So here's how I'm all of a sudden NOT hating dating:  I think I'm finally doing it right.

But let me unpack that first before some of you get all judge-y like, "well what WERE you doing" type ish...

There are some very common, widespread and sometimes seemingly unbreakable/unbendable social conventions. I think how we date seems to be one of those, or has seemed to be that way to me at least. (Keeping in mind: woman, patriarchy, specific gender norms, etc...) 

The way I've dated or participated in this weird process so far has included, y'know, a dude sayin' he likes me, or I like him - largely before either of us knew anything about the other, right? Which means it's really just an expression of physical attraction, maybe energetic attraction, but that's it. So once that's established begins the text messages, phone calls, actual dates where you go spend time together doing something. Hopefully something cool. In my experience, a dude who does not try and kiss me by the 2nd or 3rd date has been an anomaly. Some try on the first. Sometimes i've let them, sometimes I haven't. But overall I've kinda just went along with this approach. I never really tried to date differently. Seemingly caught under some blind acceptance, that I think I was largely unaware of, that 'this is just how it's done.'

In essence, I never really questioned it much. Not the process, the ways of men, the social mores, the expectations I often felt pressured by to be a certain way, (i.e. "ladylike" or overall agreeable), to do certain "ladylike" things, etc. I did begin to push back against a lot of that roughly 5ish years ago when I had a personal revolution. (Yay Me.) But I never revisited the dating process or tried to qualitatively change the way I date. Or even develop a way that I could date that made more sense and felt better to me. 

I was still learning. Still am...

But in all,  I'll say in short:  Right now I am dating a little. Having enjoyed the company of a specific gentleman on 6 or 7 or 8 occasions.
He has yet to try and kiss me.
I have never genuinely loved dating so much as I do right now.

:)

The end. 

Love-volution

Originally penned/pubished:  Jan 29, 2016

 

I’m so grateful to have so many different varieties of people in my life. I have a very varied friend-group, colleagues, acquaintances, people I know who live far and I don’t see but I love and connect with somehow…

Someone once made a comment that I had a very varied group of friends.

Then later said, “you are a combination of your 5 closest friends” – which I think is quite true.

But I think beyond your inner circle those you keep around you still say a bit about who you are, what you admire, who you can sometimes be, and maybe what you might grow into…

I’m writing this because I recently realized how much I really cherish effort. I have been, y’know, sorta-kinda-somewhat-maybe-not-entirely-but-almost-kinda-seeing-someone-and-maybe-it’ll-never-be-serious-but-I-think-we’re-both-learning-here… type thing.

And loving the learning process without any kind of pressure. This someone is very different for me. My friends have noted. And they’re right. The someone can sometimes be abrasive, brash, totally un-PC (not that I always am by any means tho…), blunt, crass… y’know, all the best things, lol

(I actually quite appreciate these qualities, even if all of my friends don’t, but anyway…)

This someone is certainly not perfect right. But is anyone?

One thing I noted to my friends the other night though was effort.

I find it funny that despite the critique that 1 or 2 of my friends have shared of the someone, that the someone has genuinely put in more effort into our non-relationship than my last ex ever did in almost 1 1/2 years. This is a someone who isn’t necessarily committed, right? A someone who is moving clear across the country like… in 2016 sometime. A someone who, who knows?!

But a someone with who we’re just enjoying each other, whenever. And learning too, along the way.

But man… effort man… Effort.

My last ex – many would say is probably one of the nicest men they have ever met. And he is. Genuinely kind and good hearted. Wouldn’t hurt a fly unless it was a zombie-fly trying to eat the brains of one of his loved ones…. you know…

But kindness can only take you so far. I know this. I often say, “there’s never anything wrong with being

nice'” – a phrase my Dad once told me years ago, that I’ve kept because, well, he’s right. Even if you don’t agree with someone, you can still be nice.

But relationships require more than ‘nice.’

And I think I’m learning how much ‘nice’ matters. And how much compared to other things.

I think I pick hard work and effort any day over ‘nice.’

(I’m from Massachusetts. We’re not always nice. But we do work our a**es off.)

So, I’m grateful for effort. For work. The hard work. The not-sexy kind of work that people do every day to accept others, to learn others, to become better versions of themselves and to try and understand folks who might not be just like them.

I’m grateful to myself and my open mind, that I’m willing to give aa chance to someone who wouldn’t seem like someone I’d normally date or ‘not-date-but-chill’ or whatever…

There are so many different forms of value. So many ways that can be valued by all of us. If we are willing to see…

I’m grateful I can see that.

Here’s to not keeping love out, for all the yielding that would take…

To practicing love and increasing joy, wherever you can find it.

And to finding it nearly everywhere.

Women Weren’t Made for Pedestals and Men Should Stop Building Them

Originally penned/published:  Jan 26

This dating thing is obnoxious, so I just keep leaving.

A male friend asked me the other day, “So why do all these men keep idolizing you?”

I got frustrated and replied, “I HAVE NO IDEA!!!”

And its largely true.

I don’t get it, and I don’t really have to I suppose, I just don’t like it. It’s ridiculous. It’s not real.

It makes me wonder what their intentions are in dating. Are there people out there just looking to idolize?

While that may not be a conscious intention, I think too many folks don’t take dating and relationship building seriously.

You cannot get to know someone if you create as fantasy version of them in your head.

And that sh*ts obnoxious.

Recently I’ve tried catching a few of them in the middle of their daydreaming of me (I can see it!) and halt them to tell them that this happens a lot and warn them to stop.

It’s yet to work.

People do what they will.

So I just keep leaving.

I need stronger men.

But if I’m being honest, I have been there myself. Idolizing a man. Removing any sense of individuality, peculiarity, anything disagreeable from him with my magic idolatry stick… And y’know what, that sh*t doesn’t last. It feels good in the beginning, right? You’re all caught up and swept away by the sheer glory of this uber-human-unicorn-person, I mean it feels GOOD to idolize someone.

And y’know what else: It’s easy.

Whether it’s born out of the desire for easy or it just happens as a result of not paying attention, being ripe for a daydream and getting swept away.

It’s still easy yo.

And ‘easy’ makes me sick.

Not that I’m looking for hard just…. genuine.

I wonder if maybe at various times in our lives we are ripe for idolizing or ripe for being idolized… And do we have a degree of control over either one?

Are there things I could do or halt to avoid being idolized?

I don’t know.

But I’m not sure I’m open to all that. I love myself, I enjoy myself, I have fun. I’m not going to stop that.

I will keep thinking on this but… if you’ve got suggestion, I’m listening, on how to keep a person from idolizing you?

Cuz this sh*ts annoying dude.

I’m just gonna keep leaving…

Post #457 On How “Love” is Stupid

Originally penned/published:  Dec 27, 2015

 

I just think that love is so, so stupid. I’m not talking about the companionate kind of love that you have for your family and friends. Nor the passionate love…. I mean, that sh*ts fun as hell… c’mon…

What I mean is that foolish kind where we confuse passion and kindness and momentary joy to somehow mean that we ought to be with this new, fancy person for the long run…

That early feeling of newness. The excitement. The butterflies. That fantastical feeling where your head is completely in the clouds… The kind that grows little wings on your heart that whisper “forever” to a brain that has clearly fallen asleep…

Yeah that. That chemical thing. That thing no one really understands.

THAT is stupid.

Keep your effin head out of the clouds.

That’s not where your future resides.

I have been dwelling on love and the various manifestations of what people call “love” around us… and it looks weird to me. Even some of the “loves” I’ve professed in the past look weird to me now with my 20/20 hindsight.

So I began contemplating more the love I have for my friends. My dearest ones. Particularly my best friend. I have an amazing best-friendship. And every now and then I think, “maaann… If I could find a dude that I relate to like I relate to HER! Boom! Done!” lol

But if we are honest we know that our friendship has been a long one. It hasn’t spawned overnight into unicorns sh*tting glitter all over everything. It’s been 7 years and counting and I’d say only in the last 2 or 3 have we both really, fully embraced each other in our full and complete selves. Only since then have we really full gotten to know each other completely inside and out. Like, I know what my girl is gonna do in pretty much any given situation and she knows me!

Shoot, sometimes she knows me better than I know myself!

We understand each other fully. And we give each other the grace and the time and the space and the distance in order to do so.

So if true love is really born from understanding then my only interest is to understand and get better at understanding as I grow…

So… In the interest of transparency and in situating myself for my readers:

I’ve been spending time with someone. Which has been kind of amazing. Fun. TONS of fun! That has been my favorite part. I love laughing. And I could really use an extra dose of fun in my life lately, so the timing has been perfect.

But because, y’know, it’s still pretty recent, there’s not a label or any expectations or anything. I honestly feel like it’s the best place for me to be right now. It’s open. I’ve never really been in “open” before…. not really. Relationship-wise, I’ve only ever done 1 of 2 extremes:

1. Serious relationship

2. No strings sex.

I’ve never been in this in between space before. It’s cool! I’m liking it. One thing I really do like is:

It feels like it requires a bit more intentionality from me. Like, I can’t expect this person to stick around, to be here tomorrow or next week (by ‘here’ I mean, with me and wanting to spend time with me). It exists outside of the realm of what often feels to me like a “safe relationship” where you’re committed to each other and you expect each other to be there… I feel like that has the potential to get lazy.

In this role, I almost feel like I have to work a little harder. It’s a little less “safe.” Nothing’s given, there are no guarantees. There’s no commitment. You just gotta roll with it, enjoy it and try to be good.

So I’m practicing being good to someone.

I’m not totally sure how well I’m doing. I’m new at this. But I think I’m doing alright. I am trying. And I think that’s apparent.

And who knows where anything will go. I feel like I’m wandering through the woods, unsure of what’s ahead. And every now and then someone comes along to hang out a bit. And then they leave. And that’s cool! I think this pretty much my favorite place to be.

Like a kid again. Just open and just loving. Practicing kindness and joy and giving and learning.

I’m just trying to learn how to better understand.

So maybe I’m just now learning how to love.

Regardless, I think this is the best place to be.

It's Not That Difficult, You're Just Doing It Wrong

Originally penned/published:  April 29, 2013

It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.
Friedrich Nietzsche

I’ll begin with a bit of dialogue between myself and a colleague on Friday:

“Marriage is difficult.”

I nod my head, “So I hear.”

“No, it’s really, REALLY DIFFICULT.”

Nod head some more, “Okay.”

I have never been married. Fair enough. But I have a very close example in my life of two people who are married and who are gloriously happy. Granted, it’s not perfect. Nothing ever is. It is not a dream-sequence. But its good, damnit. REALLY good. And I’m sure it took work. Still TAKES work. But growing takes work. And I definitely know all about that.

My concern here was the tone in his voice and the persistence in his speech. Yeah, I get it. Marriage is hard. So I’ve heard. Yep. But we all know that. You knew that going in! Anyway, he proceeds to tell me about his schedule. How he used to travel twice a month and since he’s been married (which, I believe is somewhere between 9-12 months) he’s only been away twice. I, personally, think that’s striking and I wonder why he hasn’t been away more.

He continues with, “It takes compromise. Sacrifice”

I nod. I know this.

But he says these like they’re REALLY SERIOUS things. Like… like maybe he’s compromising or sacrificing too much. Perhaps he is? I think about the travel. Sure, I imagine when one marries they may need to make changes. You lose a little bit of the freedom you once had. And especially when there’s a child involved. But, generally speaking, I think as individuals we ought to watch HOW MUCH we compromise and what things. There are some things you must maintain for your sanity. Emotional health. For your overall well-being. Those things, I would argue, are not really compromise-able. A healthy and happy Joe Black, single, is better than an unstable, overworked, exhausted, and stressed-beyond-belief Joe Black, married.

I would also argue that we’ve gotta watch out for our people. Our friends, family, and most definitely lovers or partners, to ensure that they’re still healthy post-whatever life changes they’ve made. Sometimes we don’t realize we’re unhappy until we’re already there. But as friends, family members, and yes, even as someone’s lover or partner, we can realize when they’re not happy. And we have to have the confidence and the trust and the better judgement, and damnit, the maturity to share our observations. And then the willingness to RE-compromise, renegotiate really, if things aren’t working well for both parties. And be okay with it. Use it as a growth opportunity.

Growing is good. It hurts. But it’s good.

You cannot compromise the things you love. They must be incorporated.

 

And sooooooo you all know how I feel about dating. I think it’s f*cking stupid. At least the typical American style of dating.

It’s dumb. Really. No, no really. It’s really, really dumb.

lol

And here’s why. It’s because it has “roles.” And people actually subscribe to that and then become them, own them… I mean, are we in a play now? Is this a movie? You = doorholder/payer (sometimes) and your role is to impress me. Be kind, seem strong, give the impression that you’re financially stable or perhaps “well-off” if you so feel. You should be reasonable and even tempered…

And then here’s me: I’m sweet. Docile. I wear a dress. I let you open doors. I am agreeable, supportive, pretty….

Ugh.

Have you ever heard of anything SO BORING????

Are we supposed to just pretend like we’d be the perfect wife or husband??? Give me a break. No wonder why there’s this “honeymoon period” in so many American relationships. BECAUSE EVERYONE’S PRETENDING!!!

F*ck that.

So why am I bringing this up again?

So I recently started “seeing someone” – you could say – orrrrr however you wanna say that. It’s new, there is no title, but we shared that we’re not seeing anyone else… and so yeah. And I kinda don’t want to see anyone else. At least not at this time.

So anyway… so yesterday a friend texted me to see if I wanted to go to brunch. Or, at least I thought he was a friend. I replied that I would love to (I love going to brunch btw) but I was cooking brunch for someone already. Then I followed with the whole I’m-seeing-someone-now-so-any-future-outings-must-be-strictly-platonic…. And honestly… I liked this person. And previous outings hadn’t really been overly non-platonic. I think we kissed once. When we were drunk. Lol. But I was hoping for a strictly platonic future outing. I value this person. And I have many male friends. The male-female friend thing is not impossible at all to me, it’s quite a good reality actually. Most women make me crazy. But anyway, I was surprised to receive a message back saying, “My bad. I won’t bother you anymore.”

Jesus.

Really?

  1. You’re not a bother. If you were, I would’ve told you long ago to leave me alone, but more importantly

  2. You really have no interest in being my friend. Geez…. Wow. Thanks. (<— note the sarcasm)

So here’s my sadness to all this. When meeting people, as a single woman, I honestly approach everyone as a potential friend. (if I find out they’re legitimately crazy or just do awful, awful things… Then no. We won’t be friends.) But I approach everyone with the concept of finding out what they’re about: their visions/dreams, their goals, values, their work, integrity, their peace…. I’m always curious to learn something from someone. And so…. Man… I guess I become sad when I find out later that they did not have the same approach as I. They weren’t genuinely interested in knowing me.

I guess, though, there’s really not much of a reason to be sad, there’s just a reason to grow:  know that not everyone is or even wants to be your friend. And that the people who really want to be in your life, and the people who belong there, will be present and will stay. Everyone else…..??? They’re probably not the best for you. Have faith in that.

Okay, maybe it’s not typical American dating that I’m so frustrated with but perhaps the typical American…

So in reflection on my colleague – this morning I was thinking about his comments and his conclusion:  he whisked off to Costa Rica for 4 days, against the wishes of his wife, to rest, recuperate, rejuvenate… I also wondered why she didn’t want him to go. The man is visibly exhausted. Shoot, I wanted him to go. It’s clear he needed to get away.

And while eating breakfast this morning and listening to my best friend/roommate’s phone conversation with a supervisor, and her subsequent complaints after…. Which were a little irritating to me first thing in the morning but I listened… I thought, “maybe it’s not so difficult at all…. Maybe you’re just doing it wrong.”

I finished my coffee, breathed the irritability out and re-found my peace.

So in reflection:

Breath in.

(finish your coffee)

Breath out.

Re-find your peace.

And keep friendship first.

Be good, good people.

<3

More from the “Dating is Stupid” Files…

Originally penned/published:  Sept 20, 2012

So last year I said that I think dating is stupid.

I still agree.

I’ve went on a lot of “not a dates” in the last year. These, in my world, are chunks of time spent with someone of the opposite sex that I COULD POTENTIALLY have interest in dating in the future but simply want to get to know better. Typically it’s an afternoon or evening with a few beers, hopefully laughs, and random conversation. These are totally cool btw. I’m loving them. No pressure, it’s over when it’s over. I hold very little if any expectations for them.

For me, I think it’s the best way.

However, I have been on some actual dates too. These – I rarely enjoy as much.

So what’s the difference? There’s an expectation with the dates. I can feel it. There’s this ritual, this séance, this whole rigmarole of standards and ways and expectations:

  1. He opens the car door

  2. You climb in and turn your head, you MUST smile to show thanks and kindness

  3. He closes the door for you

  4. You buckle your seatbelt

  5. And then, If you’re thoughtful, you reach over to his side and unlock the door for him to enter the car  ….

And blah blah blahhhhh….

Call me whatever you want. I get tired of this.

Who cares??? Why the séance???

Or call me an anthropologist.  Lol! I like that soooo much better!

I mean, this shit is nice once in a while but every time, it makes me wanna puke.

I also grew up in the northeast where this stuff is rarely done so it catches me off guard and I just don’t care for it very much. It’s the kinda thing where – if done once in a while, on a special occasion, or just because the man thought to and WANTED to in that moment – then HELL YEAH I appreciate it.

But I hate routine. Things like this lose their luster if done every time.

Moving on…

So I was on a date last night. That included these things.

Yay.

(I don’t mean to sound unappreciative, they are NICE, but yeah, yeah, yeah… we just went over that….)

K, so a few things stuck out to me.

  1. I seemed to be this person’s entertainment. I remember having a great time, but I was being silly and laughing and feeling creative and saying funny or abrupt things – all of which I enjoyed! I was sort of entertaining myself. But he??? Mmmmm… he was blah. Bland. I even tried getting him to loosen up a bit with a short, quick ‘say whatever word comes to your mind’ game and…. He couldn’t really play. I could see the calculations. The thinking. I exclaimed: “Stop thinking, just speak!” But he couldn’t.  Or wouldn’t.  Mmmm….. k, moving on….
  2. Story 6, he told. A girl he met one day. 6 years ago in Brooklyn. She asked him to take her picture. He did. They spent part of the afternoon together. Turns out she was heartbroken over a relationship that never actually happened (mmm hmm, yeah girl, I been there!). But anyway, they were riding the train and she was crying over this man who broke her heart. And the datee continues to say, “Y’know I felt awkward, like everyone on the train was looking at ME like I broke her heart!” Seriously??? Wtf. Who the F cares what everyone thinks of YOU!! The woman is crying! Console her. Why are you telling me a story about how YOU felt rather than what you did to try and help? Ugh. People will look at you regardless of what you do. That is a given. Just be who you need to be. …. K, moving on….

  3. Story 12. He admires Ted Turner. Why? I don’t really understand. Some bullshit about seeing a documentary about how he built his empire. Then he won some international yacht race, blah blah blahhhhh….  But then also about how he does a lot of land preservation?? Okay, maybe I believe it. I wanna see the evidence. And how much??? And then, how he doesn’t waste his money??? MMmm hmm… okaaaaay. That’s a highly subjective claim. (“Don’t paint me a picture of the hooker with the heart of gold” – from  The Usual Suspects.) But really tho, who cares?? So he asks me after story 12, “So who do you admire?” I reply with a shrug and a slightly curled lip, then I say flatly: “Nobody famous.” And he looks at me like something he doesn’t understand but thoroughly admires.

Right.

Dates.

They’re fuckin stupid.

I’m kind of over it.

I’d rather just go have some beers.

G’Day!   <3