growth

I Could Not Fall In Love Again If I Tried...

This is not a desperate statement or one that should bring about sympathy from anyone. I do not need "saving."

Listen:

I've fallen in love three times. I'm 33. What is the significance of the number 3? I have no clue, but if you know feel free to comment. 

The first time I fell in love, I was blind. Not due to injury or literal loss of sight. But I was blind to myself and blind to him. One cannot love another if they don't love themselves first, just as one cannot know another if they do not first know oneself. 
We got caught up in physical attraction and very late night debates on the back of a ship in the middle of the ocean. One night we slept outside under the stars, hands to ourselves, but with untrained hearts.

When I moved to Atlanta to be with him, he all of a sudden "didn't want anything serious." As if a move across the country isn't already a serious thing, but I digress. 
It is not healthy to start a relationship with an ultimatum. I know that now but 24 year old me was fed up. So I said, "I'm not going with you to this event if you're going to introduce me as your friend." And I was prepared to not go. He chose to take me and so i became his "girlfriend." Kind of a stressful way to proclaim "relationship" but we need to ask for what we want. And so I did.

Two years of good followed by two years of awful leaves a lot of wreckage in the heart. And the body. My chest, a harbor full of broken ships, planks, shapnel. Could not see the ocean floor through the remains of what we were trying to build. And so I left. In order to rebuild myself.

The second time I fell in love I was just ripe for sky flying souls meeting in the clouds to make love. We free wrote to each other. For months. Now if that won't do it to a poet, I dunno what will. But there was no editing, no deletions allowed, just full and open words. We wrote until we were finished and hit 'send.' Talk about cultivating intimacy! I now know to not do that with anyone who isn't committed to sticking around for whatever is to come. 

I learned the pain of falling in love with someone who wasn't in love with me. What a tragedy. A writhing ache, snaking its way through your body, til it makes you sick. And contemplative. Depressed and alone. Til it turns you into a yogi. 
This is what happens when you grow love and intimacy without legs. Or a ground. It is a cloud, just waiting to burst or become fog and rain away. 
Don't do this. I really wouldn't recommend it.

The third time I fell in love I was legs but no feet. No ground underneath me. Walking like that is wobbly. Carrying the dried out wood and straw, the old news chronicles of pain in your chest leaves you susceptible to fire. You can burn wildly like that. But that doesn't mean you should.

I fell without realizing the fall. My heart an upturned smile, the hopeful face of a child. His too. 
At least this time it was mutual, but it didn't last. We had both been burned before meeting each other, so we were both pretty easy to lift. This time at least it felt like ascendance but we showed up with no ground, so when we fell out:  there was nothing there. No front steps to rest our shoes on. No welcome mat. Not even a door. 

***

I think falling in love, in how we talk about it, in how we see it on TV and portrayed in the media is an accidental, decision-less thing. This is not the kind of beginning that anyone can expect to build on. And while occasionally we hear stories of those who did, who could, who were successful at that - they are rare, are they not? How many of us actually know a real story of two people we actually know who have been successful at that. Who's relationship survived?

Those stories belong mostly to our grandparents. Perhaps a few of our parents too, but not many. Our grandparent's generation was one with more patience, more time, less distraction. Having most likely not grown up with TV, or color TV for that matter, which proliferated in the 60's and 70's, they would have relied more upon learning about relationships and love through conversation. Or watching their family members and friends trials and tribulations. 

TV really does us an injustice with it's fantastical, romantic, whirlwind romance portrayals with little to no substance. These are not places we can build from. In this storyline we can fall - in love - we can feel like we're flying, we can let our hearts go but when they come back to us what do we have left? Reality? Which may or may not feel like love.

Love is a way. Not a thing out of reach that escapes us. We can cultivate love in our lives every day with the people around us. By being responsible friends, by practicing kindness, generosity, honesty, integrity and by practicing these things also with ourselves. We do not have to lack love just because we are not in love. We can build a solid ground beneath us. A foundation with which to rest on and walk and grow from. 

If we do this it becomes our source of life and from which we can grow. When we do this we will realize that falling makes no sense. It is a risk not worth taking. We have too much beneath us now to be so frivolous with our hearts. 

It is form this place that I write and from this place that falling makes no sense. 
I prefer to build.

 

 

 

 

16/30 - I Don't Wanna Date Your Best Friend

I always find it interesting which doors open and which doors close

doors close for me that folks seem to be surprised by

I am told I am a likable person. Nearly everyone
Who meets me feels they've met me before.
Somewhere between that place
And their own sense of self
They decide: I am like them.

Suggest I should do things
like them, should like
the things they do,
That I should date their best friend.

This sentiment can be full of flattery but
The target is usually way off.

I never like their friend.
The food sucks
And their life is boring. 
I won't do those things.

Today a door closed
that a friend had tried to convince me was open for me
for months.
And I am not mad,
I am resolute.

Resolute to know mine
will not be a traditional path,
I was never bred for that.

A little too creative for the safe
Too polished at times for the radical

My place will be where I open all the doors,
carve my own way out of wood.

It will be where I am
always.

Mine is the way
for me
My light is strong enough to illuminate my path

Best stay busy with the work
become both carpenter and cook
woodswoman and shrine
hunter and healer
all facets of the divine

And no, I don't wanna date your best friend. 

<3

On Being Seasonally Appropriate

I am drinking more wine now because apparently that is the cure for a loss in the soul
or so my hands choose to believe

It is winter. Or, it feels like winter, to me. So I guess that makes sense even though it isn't if you just take my word for it.

I would be this cold already. I'm seasonally appropriate.

"When I allow the God within me to speak, it wants to talk with you" 
is not a simple text message to send
to anyone.


Quite the contrary. But it must be the most honest and real and heavy and deep and entirely devastating thing I have said in a while,
to anyone.
Devastating because I know we should not talk.
Not now.
Because growth and because not growth. And because you can't make someone ready for you, you can only stay ready and weather the storms as the not-so-ready pass you by...

Keep your chin up, maybe the next one will be less storm, more re-birth.

"soulmates are real... they show up when you do" - Curron Aspernaut Gajadhar.
I agree. Though if you show up and they don't, does that mean you're not soulmates?
Yes.

Okay, so if you show up and they show up and you stay and they just don't then...
yeah. that's called devastation

with a soul full of lead bullets you can't fire at anyone
and a heart half-full of air, what a pathetic balloon-dreaming-thing
being weighed down by the dead-weight of their gone.
How do you weather the storm of it's leaving?
Do you become storm too? Follow its path, hope you catch up, eye to eye
and destroy each other? 
Or find peace?
Do you conjure that infinite shake that rattled your bones, turned your marrow into waterfall
and kept you completely still all at the same time?

This was going to be so much more poignant before I sat down to write it. I swear.

But you can't make someone meet you at the bridge...


"Someone can be madly in love with you and still not be ready. They can love you in a way you have never been loved and still not join you on the bridge. And whatever their reasons you must leave. Because you never ever have to inspire anyone to meet you on the bridge. You never ever have to convince someone to do the work to be ready. There is more extraordinary love, more love that you have never seen, out here in this wide and wild universe. And there is the love that will be ready." — Nayyirah Waheed


And if I have nothing left to share, let that be it.

 

No One’s Leaving Should Be A Threat

Originally penned/published: Jan 4, 2016

 

greatest-gift.jpg

I like this quote, but I don’t love it. I found this the other day while browsing quotes on freedom for the previous post. I’ve been thinking a bit about acceptance lately in relationships. No one is perfect. And there are some people who, for me at least, I just have a hard time being around. For whatever reason, something in their personality is a rub for me. But in our close relationships, everyone we love is going to drive us crazy at some point.

I just finished a 6-day trip with my best friend. I know I drove her crazy at times, and she drove me crazy too. But at the end of it, through humor and silliness, we are able to shrug off any irritations from each other and still have an amazing time and come home still loving one another.

I watched my parents over the last two days as well. They both have ways in their personalities that irritate each other. And you could see it pop up almost daily, in small doses. But they let it go.

And that’s beautiful.

What I don’t like about this quote, however is “without the threat of you leaving.” I guess, that’s fair maybe for our closest relationships, the one’s we’ve committed to, but I see this more applicable in an every day kind of way. So I re-fashioned it a little:

 

the-greatest-gifts-you-can-give-someone-is-the-space-to-be-themselves-acceptance-of-who-they-are-inspiration-to-achieve-their-dreams-and-plenty-of-room-to-grow-even-if-their-growth-i.jpg

 

I think I value more the human’s ability to fully self actualize, to pursue their dreams, to find where it is they really need to be and among whom much more than I do committment. (Oof. This may lead to another post but let’s get back on track for now): Not everyone you meet and join up with for a while is going to be on your journey for the long run. And even those who are, sometimes the distance changes. As we grow, we change, and sometimes that means we need to leave.

I don’t think anyone’s leaving should be a threat.

Really, it’s a message. Could be one of many:

This place/relationship no longer serves me

OR

There is something I need to pursue that is of ultimate importance, so I cannot stay

OR

Maybe there is not another thing or place or venture I have to go to…. but I can just tell that this place is not right for me.

In short, I just don’t think we should take it as a threat when anyone leaves us. There are always reasons and lessons. And sure, it may be sad, it may hurt a lot! But I believe people need to do what they need to do and they ought to be able to feel supported and accepted in their pursuit of their full selves. Even if that means leaving…

…but maybe I am a just a super-individualist. Or a claustrophobe. Or a runner. Or a changeling.

Or I just really, really, really love feeling free.

Good Day family.

Practicing the Responsibility of Freedom…

Originally penned/published:  Jan 2, 2016

So far in this new year I’ve been thinking a lot on freedom. The concept of freedom, what that means to me and what it looks like, how freedom acts within my body… whether or not that action is always good…

I’ve also been thinking on the consequences of feeling a lack of freedom in certain areas of my life as well as wondering if it’s possible to have too much freedom…. or what having more freedom might mean in regard to freedom’s opposite… whatever that is…

Lol, anyway here we go! I’ve got a lot of quotes and messages and images on my phone about freedom. When my phone starts up there is a message that I programmed in there that says, “Practice Your Freedom” – a phrase I saw a friend write on Facebook some time ago that really resonated with me. But I think I am wondering and needing to better learn how, and how to do that well.

My favorite quote on love is, “You should love in such a way that the person you love feels free” by Thich Nhat Hanh. I find freedom and comfort in the company of my friends and family with whom I can be fully and completely myself. I think that, essentially, is the essence of true freedom for me: To be able to be completely, 100% authentically myself without fear of negative repercussions.

I think I pretty much have that in my personal life. Professionally, I think, is where I would like to have more of that. Since my work has taken a bit of a larger role in my life now to date, I feel like I am sacrificing more by being “on” more often and in a more significant way.

And, yes, I do think it’s worth it for all of the good that I am able to do in my work. But I also feel like after a few years of it, I’m going to seriously need more freedom. More time just being myself, without having to impress or convince or fundraise or… I think I could end up burnt out.

I also came across this quote this morning on Pinterest:

And I think that’s the rub. Y’know, my soul is not a hologram of my resume + cover letter, it doesn’t wear blazers and heels, it isn’t always proper and it’s language ain’t always PG.

I like the freedom to be fully expressive. And I feel a bit cornered at times by not always being able to be that way.

Eventually, I think I am working toward self employment. This is an interesting discovery period, however, in finding out what that will look like, what I will incorporate, what kinds of activities really feed my soul and help me feel most free and most empowered.

But at present, without having all of that knowledge yet, I am currently reflecting on the below:

It takes great bravery to exercise great freedom. And a LOT of self knowledge to do it well and masterfully. And in a healthy way. I know there are ways I’ve been poisoning myself: Drinking too much, Not eating very well a little too frequently…

And other ways of just not living up to my full potential. So for now, I’m going to explore that.

You can find me where I’ll be finding more of myself:

Practicing freedom and practicing love.

So I Decided to Give Up Alcohol Indefinitely

Originally penned/published:  November 18, 2012

“He who conquers others is strong. He who conquers himself is mighty.” – Lao Tzu

 

As of the last post I was 3 days in. I’m about 2 1/2 weeks in now and feeling just fine and dandy! Though I’ve been here before so it’s not new territory and hence, not very difficult.

The last time I gave up the alcs tho I was in a different city so this is new in that I have new friends to maneuver this with. Thankfully, my friends are the shit. Easily sneeze.

 

Speaking of sneezing…. my face has been leaking and exploding for about 36 hours now. It crept up on me slow, like a fog. Like before i knew that shit, I was sick-face a F*ck! WTF!! (pssst, on the low:  I think my best friend/roommate gave me her sickness. She’s lucky. I love her too much and am spraying too much mucus to even have the energies to be upset. lol)

 

SOOOO the alcs.

Its not so bad really. Been drinking a lotta tea like my friend Ham. I think that’s cool. I’m saving money, that’s for sure! Beer budget —>>>> meet savings account!! WOOOHOOO!! lol

 

But I feel kinda like dis about it:

I feel just fine. Why do we need to drink anyway? To relax? To “let go”? To escape into some lesser form of consciousness, all stupid-faced and bumbling at the mouth with dumb shit? Funny, sure. But dumb. And its BAD for us! Like, REAL bad. So why???

 

I said in my last post that I was going to try and use exercise as an outlet instead of drinking. Welllll…. that hasn’t really happened. Lol. Tho I did exercise a little this morning to try and sweat this sickness out, but not out of stress. I think I’ve just been resting. Which is probably exactly what my body needs.

 

And besides, wouldn’t it be all the more awesome if we could just let go of our inhibitions and act silly and weird and have fun and run around like kids WITHOUT the alcs? Like, how FREEING could that be!!! I’m serious!!

So that’s my intention.

 

So if you see me running, sprinting up and down the street most likely, at a party sometime in the near future – yeahhhh that’s probably just me sprinting.

I have a tendency to wanna sprint when I’m drunk. So watch me put this into full effect sober. High on chamomile and shit.

 

watch.

You’re going to think I’m crazy.

 

And perhaps that’s my plan….

 

“Always

keep them guessing.”

 

One.

<3