Originally penned/published: Dec 27, 2015
I just think that love is so, so stupid. I’m not talking about the companionate kind of love that you have for your family and friends. Nor the passionate love…. I mean, that sh*ts fun as hell… c’mon…
What I mean is that foolish kind where we confuse passion and kindness and momentary joy to somehow mean that we ought to be with this new, fancy person for the long run…
That early feeling of newness. The excitement. The butterflies. That fantastical feeling where your head is completely in the clouds… The kind that grows little wings on your heart that whisper “forever” to a brain that has clearly fallen asleep…
Yeah that. That chemical thing. That thing no one really understands.
THAT is stupid.
Keep your effin head out of the clouds.
That’s not where your future resides.
I have been dwelling on love and the various manifestations of what people call “love” around us… and it looks weird to me. Even some of the “loves” I’ve professed in the past look weird to me now with my 20/20 hindsight.
So I began contemplating more the love I have for my friends. My dearest ones. Particularly my best friend. I have an amazing best-friendship. And every now and then I think, “maaann… If I could find a dude that I relate to like I relate to HER! Boom! Done!” lol
But if we are honest we know that our friendship has been a long one. It hasn’t spawned overnight into unicorns sh*tting glitter all over everything. It’s been 7 years and counting and I’d say only in the last 2 or 3 have we both really, fully embraced each other in our full and complete selves. Only since then have we really full gotten to know each other completely inside and out. Like, I know what my girl is gonna do in pretty much any given situation and she knows me!
Shoot, sometimes she knows me better than I know myself!
We understand each other fully. And we give each other the grace and the time and the space and the distance in order to do so.
So if true love is really born from understanding then my only interest is to understand and get better at understanding as I grow…
So… In the interest of transparency and in situating myself for my readers:
I’ve been spending time with someone. Which has been kind of amazing. Fun. TONS of fun! That has been my favorite part. I love laughing. And I could really use an extra dose of fun in my life lately, so the timing has been perfect.
But because, y’know, it’s still pretty recent, there’s not a label or any expectations or anything. I honestly feel like it’s the best place for me to be right now. It’s open. I’ve never really been in “open” before…. not really. Relationship-wise, I’ve only ever done 1 of 2 extremes:
1. Serious relationship
2. No strings sex.
I’ve never been in this in between space before. It’s cool! I’m liking it. One thing I really do like is:
It feels like it requires a bit more intentionality from me. Like, I can’t expect this person to stick around, to be here tomorrow or next week (by ‘here’ I mean, with me and wanting to spend time with me). It exists outside of the realm of what often feels to me like a “safe relationship” where you’re committed to each other and you expect each other to be there… I feel like that has the potential to get lazy.
In this role, I almost feel like I have to work a little harder. It’s a little less “safe.” Nothing’s given, there are no guarantees. There’s no commitment. You just gotta roll with it, enjoy it and try to be good.
So I’m practicing being good to someone.
I’m not totally sure how well I’m doing. I’m new at this. But I think I’m doing alright. I am trying. And I think that’s apparent.
And who knows where anything will go. I feel like I’m wandering through the woods, unsure of what’s ahead. And every now and then someone comes along to hang out a bit. And then they leave. And that’s cool! I think this pretty much my favorite place to be.
Like a kid again. Just open and just loving. Practicing kindness and joy and giving and learning.
I’m just trying to learn how to better understand.
So maybe I’m just now learning how to love.
Regardless, I think this is the best place to be.