7/30 - Fuck a Poem. I Just Need to Write.
I have been through so many emotions today already.
From shock last night and fear as the results came flying in like a bald-ing America eagle
To disbelief when I awoke at 3am and checked my phone of the news. I must’ve stared at the screen for minutes hitting ‘refresh’ because i couldn’t believe it was true: Donald. Fucking. Trump. For President.
A hate mongering, violence inciting millionaire inheriting imbecile whom it is claimed would have more money today had he just invested in the stock market rather than his various real estate investments, or divestments.
And this is all before waking up this morning.
But at the vibration of my alarm I felt the ‘damn, I don’t wanna get up’ become the familiar and ugly, heavy lifting of depression. I laid there for a full 30 minutes, shifting my legs a little, hiding my face in my pillow, rolling over to make no difference in the world.
I laid there so long I left myself no time to shower. And upon getting up I was a discombobulated mess. Go into bathroom, use bathroom, wash hands, come out of bathroom, realize you forgot to wash you face, go back in bathroom, wash face, dry face, leave bathroom, open closet, realize you did not put on face moisturizer, go back in bathroom, put on face moisturizer, realize hair is a mess even though you’ve looked at at yourself in the mirror over 15 times by now
Realize you haven’t actually looked yourself in the mirror yet. Not once. Not thoroughly.
This is how I live depression when it surfaces.
Sometimes it’s joined by a more interesting set of energy+mood swings like anxiety or mania. An addictive twinge in my chemistry rears one of its many gargoyle heads so that by the time lunch comes around I had gone from depressed, to full on pissed, to staring at the face of a man I adore, which quickly turns to lust
But since lust could not be fulfilled my wanting turned toward mac and cheese.
I would’ve done almost anything for some mac and fuckin cheese and some XcensoredX around 11:30am today.
Thankfully some duty actually called, by which I mean, a phone call literally came in and I made myself pick it up. A person that I had to actually communicate with. I was cordial. Most of my clients are nice so they make it easy. But I really let the Paypal customer service dude have it after that.
"Who the fuck do you think I am?
You ain't married to no average bitch boy"
See, the election results are bigger than just a win and a loss. Race relations are on the line (again)(tho they never really left but I swear we were having a little bit of progress somewhere…), Sexism, Homophobia. My ability to feel safe in my woman-body. Masculinity is toxic as fuck and will likely only get worse. Xenophobia. Hate crimes and violence against the entire LGBTQ community. Violence in general. More black bodies being killed for just existing. More incarcerations of black folk and people of color. Stop and frisk is right around the corner, just don’t get caught being black with…
Well, just don't get caught being black. Or brown.
I didn’t go for the mac and cheese because this is how quickly my mood changed today. What a day of undoings. To come undone. To lack of emotional stability.
What Trump supporters don’t realize is:
People of color are human
Women are also human
The emotional and physical health impacts this has caused are serious and very real. No one’s exaggerating their heart palpitations. We got more shit to do than that. Like work one of our 2-3 jobs because unequal pay is still a REAL PROBLEM. And these student loans certainly ain’t going anywhere now...
I know that my work is going to be more needed than ever before.
I just don’t know if I can be this close to it.
For sake of my own health. My ability to make healthy choices.
(Cuz now all I wanna do is go fill my flask, put on some tight pants and heels, drink the gin down and flirt with any cute guy at a bar tonight cuz:
but I wont. not today. more recent integrity-type work has kept me more on track but I ain't about a stone's throw from a bad decision right now, I swear)
is Day 1
of the news.
I’ll see how I feel tomorrow.
Now might be time to seriously take up meditation. In group format.
In a setting surrounded by people who also want peace.
Hoping this will all only fashion me into a sharper tool
For the good I still have left
to bring to the world.